Saturday, January 15, 2005
"...he walked along the gravel path, holding his arms in a careful, prim posture; and something in his gait suggested that it cost him an effort to walk slowly - the effort of a man intent upon concealing the fact that he is inwardly running away."
(Thomas Mann Tristan)
Feeling completely drained. Every second semester is the semester I dread, because it just seems that there's so much to do and so little time for me to do pointless unproductive things like contemplate the meaning of life. (Which makes me wonder why contemplating the meaning of life falls under the category of "pointless unproductive things". I vaguely remember some character in Final Fantasy saying that human beings seek the meaning of life because we are mortal.)
Was contemplating taking one less module this semester, but I registered for it anyway. 2 days left to revise that decision. I doubt I'm going to drop it, because I want to complete as soon as possible, preferably with half a year to spare.
Why is everything in Singapore about speed and efficiency? I would love to have the time to savour the subjects I like, to explore and enjoy the process of acquiring knowledge just for the sake of storing away these various tidbits of information like precious gems, to admire and appreciate for another day. But all that really happens is a rapid torrent of facts I'm supposed to cram into my head and spit back out in organised categories 3 months afterwards. Words like 'productivity' and 'applicability' become exalted keywords; things that should truly matter, like 'learning' and 'enjoyment' get trampled and abandoned in the dust.
Every week I go for my one and only Lit lecture, and despite everything I am and I say, I fight to stay awake in the lulling wave of concepts like "Romanticism" and "religiousity". I fidget. I get bored. I make excuses to myself to escape from the lecture theatre every few minutes to settle choir things or school stuff. In the cacophony in my mind and the jarring interference of duties and responsibilities that the real world demands of me, I lose the capacity to appreciate the beauty of language and tranquility, of ideas and dreams.
My only solace is choir. At least I still feel that I am alive in the appreciation of music. But even that wears thin everytime we have to speed-learn a song, or other choir people mess around and do not put in enough effort (I feel) to get the feeling of the music. *sigh*
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